Manager's Tips and Tools

by Manager Development Services

What is Emotional Intelligence? (part 2 of 3)


The first thing I need to understand is that emotions are neither good nor bad, right nor wrong – they just are.  It’s what we do with our emotions (our behavior) which can be either constructive or destructive.  Once again, I must realize that I have a choice.  I must learn to feel the feeling and chose the behavior.

Our emotions, or feelings, are necessary and have evolved for very specific reasons – to enable us to survive.  Without them, we wouldn’t be here.

When used in a healthy way, they protect us, nurture us, and allow us to persevere.  It’s only when we let them runaway with us that they become destructive.

Envy is especially mean.  Envious people feel miserable when someone else has something they want.  They see other’s success as a sign of their own failure and want to attack or destroy what’s good in others.  If they can’t have it – they long for the other person to suffer or lose it.

When I find myself filled with envy, I need to stop, get honest, and ask myself:

  • What do I want to destroy that belongs to somebody else?
  • Why do I feel this way?
  • What is the motivation behind this envy?
  • Do I feel “less than” just because they have it and I don’t?
  • Why does that person’s possession, accomplishment, or success define me?
  • Is this really my issue and not his?
  • Did this person get or do this just to hurt me?
  • If I had what he has would I want him to feel this way?
  • If yes, then, “Why?”

Jealousy confuses love with ownership.  A jealous person believes that others want to take away something or someone that belongs to them.  They view everything as possessions – even people – and possessions are things to be used.  Jealously destroys relationships.  Incapable of true intimacy, jealous people feel an intense sense of betrayal and desperation.  They end up accusing the very person they feel belongs to them because on some deeper level they believe they are not worthy of the person’s love, loyalty, attention, or affection.

When I find myself jealous, I must stop, get honest, and ask myself:

  • Do I believe I own this person?
  • Has this person really done something to warrant distrust, or is this my own fear of inadequacy?
  • If this person really has been unfaithful or has betrayed me, then why do I want this person in my life?  (Remember, if I allow someone to abuse me – I am guilty of self-abuse)
  • How is my jealousy hurting me?  How is it hurting them?

Resentment is self-abuse by holding onto past hurts and pain.  This is bleeding from old wounds, obsessing on misery and suffering, and victimizing myself again and again by recalling the resentment.

Resentment is:

  • pain which grows more intense each time I recall the resentment.
  • pain which grows into anger.
  • anger which grows into hatred.
  • playing judge, jury, and “would be” executioner.
  • lying in wait for the time I may get even.
  • a false sense of protection.
  • like taking poison and expecting the other person to die.
  • self abuse.
  • a prison of my own making.
  • living in fear, anger, and shame (and living in fear, anger, and shame is not living).
  • living in weakness (and living in weakness is not living).

Once I understand the power and the pain resentment hold over my life, I must become willing to rid myself of resentment.

– excerpt from “Managing from the Heart – A Way of Life”

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March 20, 2011 - Posted by | Counseling Techniques, Employee Coaching, Leadership Skills, Manager Development Tools, Mentoring | , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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