Manager's Tips and Tools

by Manager Development Services

Identifying “Self-defeating” Behaviors (part 5 of 12)

Self-defeating beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors create anesthetizing habit patterns that keep us stuck in the past and prevent us from living life on an integrated conscious level. We end up living life on auto-pilot and are prevented from responding to our most precious moments in life–the here and now.

We must reclaim power over our lives and stop allowing outside people, situations, and influences to have control over our lives.  Life must become a series of new moments and not a stagnate reflection of our past.  As children, we may be victims; but as adults – we are volunteers.

8)  Harboring Resentments

Most of the pain we experience in this life is of our own making.  Someone says something or does something and it hurts us.  We record it, store it way, and wait for the apologies.   And when apologies don’t come in a timely manner (or don’t come, period) – we look for PAYBACK!   You hurt me and I want you to hurt back.  This is holding malice in your heart for another human being.

Because you have been hurt, you feel justified in your anger and blame toward others.  You refuse to let go of the pain of these old wounds and this pain shapes your attitude and personality.  Because you feel life is not fair as long as others are not suffering as you are, you feel justified in treating other badly or with distain.  Playing policeman, living for the time you can balance the scales of justice, you will grow to become hateful.

The fact is, harboring resentment usually doesn’t hurt anyone but you.  Each time you recall the incident that caused you pain, you relive those feelings all over again.  You feel the pain as though the incident just now happened.  Someone may victimize you once, but every time you recall that resentment and relive that pain, you victimize yourself all over again.  You will grow to become hateful, vindictive, miserable, and unforgiving.

9)  Perfectionism / Obsessing

Perfectionists subconsciously believe their worth is dependent on their accomplishments, which means they constantly have to prove their worth to themselves and others.  Any personal failure is the worst thing they can think of.  Because their worth is tied to their accomplishments, they are intimidated by unfinished business and constantly worry if they have thought of everything.  They feel like they never accomplish enough and are unable to relax without feeling guilty.  They have a burning need to set things right and worry about why they haven’t done better.  They would feel as though they have failed if they asked for help, and therefore, will struggle alone until they accomplish what they set out to do.

Perfectionists spend more time, energy, and effort on projects than they do relationships and put less value on personal time than they do on work time.  When a major task is completed they feel let down.  Because of this, they don’t allow themselves to celebrate the conclusion of one project before starting another.

Because they have to be perfect, perfectionists are amazed at the incompetence of others.  People seem to always get in their way.  Standards seem to be slipping everywhere.  Because perfectionists are unable to stand it when things are out place, they find themselves being controlling.

In short, because perfectionists equate their worth with what they do, they invariably set the bar too high for themselves.  When they don’t make it, they beat themselves up.  God forbid they do make it, then they beat themselves up for not setting the bar higher.

– excerpt from “Becoming Master of Your Own Destiny”


July 11, 2010 - Posted by | Uncategorized

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